Belaboring the Obvious

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Let's Just Imagine For a Moment...

... what life would be like if the truly wacko in this society got everything they wanted.

Sound like fun? You bet. More hijinks than a dozen monkeys on a hundred yards of grapevine.

They're trying very hard right now to get their congress critters to pass a law that has only negative effects on them. It only affects people with millions in the bank. It's the estate tax, which they prefer to call "the death tax." They're concerned with "values," but they want to give even more money to the likes of oxygen usurpers like Paris Hilton. Of course, this is not really about Paris. It's about Arkansas. Specifically, that corner of it going by the name of Bentonville, from whence all Walton family profits derive. And, since the Waltons are dyed-in-the-wool Republican godly people, the poor in the country naturally want them to be rewarded for having rich genes, even if it means a cut in their food stamps.

The whole country becomes like South Dakota, so even rapists with no social skills and no chance of having a relationship have the opportunity to breed and add their genes to the pool. The Walton family children, however, will have the money to fly to Germany for a safe abortion if the need arises, and still have a little left over for a side trip to Cote d'Azur. The poor, however, if they try the coathanger bit, will get stoned to death, twice, first for having sex out of marriage, and second, for trying to have an abortion (that is, if the Christian reconstructionists have their way with the law).

Think the war is a crock of shit? Protest the war, walk around with a sign, and get hanged for treason. Hell, burn the flag, because you think the country is going down the fucking toilet? Get ready for some real fascist fun. You get drawn and quartered on live TV. Bill O'Reilly gets to do the play-by-play. Sponsored by WalMart.

Bill Kristol thinks "Supreme Leader Bush" has a nice ring to it. Congress agrees and makes the Underachiever President leader of the country for life (or for as long as he wants, or until Dick Cheney officially wants his turn, or the "war on terror" is won, whichever comes first).

Halliburton/KBR and the U.S. Government become a religious partnership. The government promises to tithe 10% of its income to KBR. The rest of the Fortune 500 complain. Government says, "what do you want? We've already given you no-tax profits, relieved you of environmental responsibility and given you the use of our military to open up new foreign markets." Fortune 500 companies file suit in federal court for discrimination. Cheney shoots lawyers in the face.

New fear of terrorism laws, immigration laws and racial profiling make felons of 46% of the population. Taco, ribs and falafel stands disappear from the country. Halliburton/KBR stressed to breaking point building new prisons. Look in the store window for the "White is Right" insignia.

Book-burning becomes mainstream. Megachurches have book drives to collect suspicious volumes. You don't contribute your copy of "Huckleberry Finn?" You get thrown on the bonfire as the climax for the evening, clutching a copy of Harry Potter.

Say something unflattering about Lord Pissypants in the restroom at work? Your employer knows. So does the NSA. So does the FBI.

After years of attacking every helpless country from Pago Pago to Burkina Faso in the "GWOT," the world finally convinces Russia, China and Japan to help them resist an out-of-control United States. China and Japan dump dollars and treasury notes onto the world market and the dollar is suddenly worth less than the Kampuchean riel. U.S. attacks Kampuchea. Russia nukes Capitol Building and White House. Cheney, from his secret hiding place, orders seat of government moved to Jackson Hole, Wyoming. Big housing boom in Jackson Hole ensues.

January 1, 2013, Jackson Hole, WY: Annual U.S. trade deficit reaches $13 trillion. Congress refuses to enact windfall profits tax on U.S. corporations importing goods from their manufacturing facilities overseas. Even Chad refuses to export to U.S. "Costs us too damned much," says finance minister. Armed raids on gas stations become commonplace. Blockbuster reports that none of its stores can keep copies of "Road Warrior" in stock due to theft. "Guess people are looking for ideas," says spokesman.

January 2, 2013, Jackson Hole, WY: Nominal federal tax rate on those making under $75,000 per year rises to 82%. Supreme Leader Cheney says, "well, who's going to pay that $3 trillion that it costs us to keep you ungrateful people safe? We can't tax the rich--they're creating jobs."

March 20, 2013, Jackson Hole, WY: Unemployment reaches 31%. Labor Secretary Al "Chainsaw" Dunlap says, "Americans are the laziest people in the world."

June 1, 2013, Jackson Hole, WY: Bankruptcy reforms of 2005 considered a failed exercise. Laws rewritten. Halliburton/KBR given new contract to build debtors' prisons.

April 12, 2014, Jackson Hole, WY: Supreme Leader Dick Cheney suffers ninth heart attack while hunting on the lawn of White House West. From hospital bed, says, "but I bagged three of those revenge-minded radioactive black bastards from DC."

October 8, 2014, Jackson Hole, WY: Supreme Leader Dick Cheney announces the merger of church and state and corporations. Country hereafter known as the United Godly Hegemon. First move of UGH to reestablish diplomatic relations with Taliban in Afghanistan. Second move to bomb godless old Europe. Missile shield sold to Europe in 2007 fails.

April 16, 2015. Federal tax revenues drop to $140 million, budget swells to $26 trillion. Debtors' prisons found expensive, unworkable. Supreme Leader Cheney signs legislation authorizing slavery. Debtors' prisons to hold first auctions May 1st. Supreme Leader Cheney says, "this National Full Employment Act is needed to restore profitability to our country's hardworking corporations and is Old Testament-approved."

September 9, 2015, Detroit, MI: Ford, despite desperately flagging sales, announces that bulletproofing and automatic weapons will be standard on all 2016 model year limousines at the request of CEOs around the country. Through a special agreement with the Department of Defense, Hellfire missiles will be a limited availability option.

December 31, 2015, Ottawa, Canada: Due to protracted fuel shortages and high prices in UGH, the UGH annexes Canada. Canadian prime minister and Canadian parliament members executed by invading UGH troops. Supreme Leader Cheney says, "this will alleviate a severe Department of Defense fuel shortage which has prevented UGH from protecting itself from terrorism."

February 14, 2016, Boca Raton, FL: Rush Limbaugh finally dies of drug overdose. Limbaugh's body will lie in state in the new capitol in Jackson Hole for two weeks, followed by funeral services at Disney World.

February 22, 2016, Colorado Springs, CO: Secretary of Defense James Dobson announces from Department of Defense headquarters the nuclear annihilation of San Francisco on order of the Supreme Leader of UGH. "The place just didn't fit in with the godly aims of UGH. Too many brown people, too many yellow people. Too many poor people. Too many people whining about their rights. So many queers that the executions were costing us $30 million a year." Governor Schwarzenegger quoted as saying, "it was either that, or Los Angeles. It vas a difficult decision, but Gott's vill must be satisfied."

March 1, 2016, Jackson Hole, WY: Jackson Hole Post columnist, Charles Krauthammer, in eulogizing Rush Limbaugh, says, "this tireless servant to truth has gone to his reward and sits now at the left hand of God, and, we're told, Jesus loves his jokes." Supreme Leader Cheney drops by to personally thank Krauthammer and when Supreme Leader touches his shoulder, Krauthammer struggles to his feet from his wheelchair, exclaiming, "mein Führer, I can walk!"

The rest you already know.

(image © The Propaganda Remix Project)


  • Only two and a bit more years of George Bush to go. If they (the Republicans) amend your constitution to allow three terms or more for the President, Bill Clinton will win on a landslide. Bush will be history.

    OK, OK, I know Clinton might be no saint but he was/is a quadrillion miles better than Bush could ever be.

    By Blogger blowback, at 2:31 PM  

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