Belaboring the Obvious

Saturday, December 02, 2006

Uh, There's a Turd in the Punchbowl....

You fish it out. No, you. Why don't you just throw it all out? Okay.

Newtie Gingrich, politic's human Macy's Parade balloon, is at it again. He wants to be President. He wants to be President so badly that he gets a twitching anal sphincter pucker every time he thinks about it--which is, well, probably, constantly (the bad blogger's segue to explaining why Newtie's full of shit).

Has Newtie been discussing divorce with his wife while she's in the midst of cancer treatment, as he did with Wife #1? Nope. Does this mean he's regained any measure of decency? Uh, no.

Is he banging the secretary while telling Wife #3 he'll "be back late after the Clinton impeachment strategy conference," as he did with Wife #2? Uh, not that we know of. Does that mean he's traded in Republican family values for a better way of life? Doubtful. After all, he's still Newtie and his lips are still moving.

And were they ever moving this week, as many folks noted.

Let it not be said that Newtie, while patently insane, does not have a flair for the dramatic (hey, that's cool--Hitler did, too). Invited by the Manchester Union-Leader to speak at its annual Free Speech awards banquet (the only time all year that the Union-Leader's publishers treat card-carrying ACLU members like human beings), Newtie did (for him) the predictable: he advocated suppression of free speech:

"My prediction to you is that either before we lose a city, or if we are truly stupid, after we lose a city, we will adopt rules of engagement that use every technology we can find to break up their capacity to use the internet, to break up their capacity to use free speech, and to go after people who want to kill us to stop them from recruiting people before they get to reach out and convince young people to destroy their lives while destroying us," Gingrich said in the transcript.

"This is a serious problem that will lead to a serious debate about the first amendment, but I think that the national security threat of losing an American city to a nuclear weapon, or losing several million Americans to a biological attack is so real that we need to proactively, now, develop the appropriate rules of engagement...."

Now, maybe Newtie's confused between good investigative work here and abroad and jackboot tactics at home. Or, maybe not. Newtie's releasing mushroom clouds out of his ass because that worked so well for George Bush in 2002. Newtie is being very calculating here (well, as best as he is able)--he really does believe that because a Republican Congress and President have been so successful at ramrodding through infringements of civil rights because they've got 48.8% of the country scared out of its wits, he can do it, too, and that he'll be elected, just as Bush was 2004, by keeping that 48.8% pissing in their pants.

Too bad Newt's about four years late--nuke-you-ler terror is so... then. This is now. A fair amount of the public has come to the conclusion that they were bamboozled. By Newt's bunch. By the Contract on America. By the same greedy bastards that are now getting closer and closer to jail time. And, the public's pretty pissed about it--enough so that they have thrown a lot of them out. Maybe a healthy part of that public might now even be able to distinguish between a possible threat that can be controlled with some attention to the root causes, and a wild-assed, booga-booga, scared-the-shit-outta-ya-didn't-I? story manufactured for political electoral purposes... which is exactly what Newtie's doing here.

What's the real free speech issue for ol' Newtie? His speech and that of his wealthy contributors (sure, go ahead, it's probably proper to call them his enablers, or co-conspirators will do fine, too) is being drastically curtailed by campaign finance laws. And that those campaign finance laws didn't curtail the use of negative ads.

Help me up... that one just knocked me for a loop.

Newtie wants no restrictions whatsoever on how much money corporations and the fatcats can give to candidates. Newtie + free speech = "I'm the tubbiest whore with the lowest ethics and morals in North America, so I deserve to win. Shit, yeah, I like selling myself to the highest bidder--I'm good at it. And, it beats sitting around the house, listening to the wife. For now."

Still, even though Newtie's hamstrung by that horrid campaign finance law that prevents him from whoring his way to the top, he's not running for office--at least not in the way that mere mortals do:

“I am not ‘running’ for president,” former House Speaker Newt Gingrich (R-GA) tells Fortune. “I am seeking to create a movement to win the future by offering a series of solutions so compelling that if the American people say I have to be president, it will happen.”

My sense of things so far is that one had better stay well back and keep the gas mask on while Newtie's creating that movement.

What can one say about Newtie? His chutzpah and bullshit are stacked so toweringly high that looking up at it leaves one dizzy and breathless. And, just like leaning back against the wall of the Empire State Building and looking up at the top, there's a moment's disorientation, a feeling for just a fearful second that it's toppling over right on top of you.

Then you realize that it's just Newtie's bullshit that's so overwhelming, and you look down, and there's Newtie himself, that chubby little turd in the punchbowl.

(image by


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