"I'm Don Sherwood and...

... even though my girlfriend thinks a little sex fun went way beyond fun, you should have seen the bruises on my gullet after my wife got through with me. And my kids kicked the hell out of my shins while she was chokin' the livin' hell out of me. But, friends and neighbors, I was still doing my very best, all the while, to keep my mind on cutting taxes for my wealthy contributors, so they'll have even more money to give my campaign to pay for lamoid ads like this one, and at the same time contemplating the issue of security (you would, too, if you'd been sued by a crazy bitch that you were just having a little clean fun with) and how my really, really good friend, George Bush, is defending us against our real enemies, the people who say that George is just disassembling our national security. I stand for security and low taxes for all my friends...

... so, be my friend, and help pay for this message that I approved that I hope will sort of gloss over the fact that I've been behaving on the public's dime and time like the degenerate that we all know the liberals really are. A lot of Republicans do it, but they don't really mean it. I mean, it's not like this sort of Foley sort of behavior is in our hearts or anything..."

[from off-camera] "Don, just shut the fuck up and stay with the script. Ready, take 82, coming up."

No wonder the GOP has to spend so much money on ads this year. Their candidates just can't read the script....