Belaboring the Obvious

Friday, April 25, 2008

Capitalism's Irrepressible Spirit....

Okay, the goddess can take me now... I've seen everything:

At the cost of nearly $500 million, a Los Angeles-based company is “developing the Baghdad Zoo and Entertainment Experience, a massive American-style amusement park that will feature a skateboard park, rides, a concert theatre and a museum.” The park “is being designed by the firm that developed Disneyland.”

I'll bet the penny arcade is a doozy. Dodge-an-RPG, based on the whack-a-mole game, shooting galleries for all tastes ("Shoot a Shiite," "Shoot a Sunni" and "Shoot an Infidel," with real AK-47s), and the rides will feature themed vehicles, such as the "Bullet-Ridden Ambulance Chase," "Mr. Toad's M1A1 Wild Ride," and in Tomorrowland, "Inter-Continental Ballistic Missile." Little Iraqi kids will get their chance to test their reflexes in little gas-powered taxis in "Checkpoint Challenge."

Of course, there will be a General Electric Carousel of Progress, complete with exhibits of the many weapons GE produces for U.S. use against stubborn Middle Eastern countries, and ExxonMobil will reprise "The World Beneath Us," in which clever and humorous animations will appear on huge plasma screens, showing rapt Iraqi children how oil comes out of the ground and goes directly into the fuel tanks of giant General Motors Hummers, while the oil profits make a lazy circuitous loop in the sky over Baghdad and then streak thousands of miles at high speed into giant American banks.

Monsanto will happily sponsor an updated Iraqi version of the "Hall of Chemistry," where the much-loved chemical and bioengineering corporation explains all the good things to come from forcing Iraqis to stop saving and sharing crop seed, and to buy GM seed and billions of gallons of Roundup
from Monsanto.

WalMart will sponsor the return of "Fashions and Fabrics Through the Ages," with the aim of introducing Iraqis to magnificent polyester plaids produced by slave labor in Burma. Little Iraqi children will even be able to learn by doing, by sitting at their very own sewing machine for up to fourteen hours each day (abbreviated hours during Ramadan).

Verizon and AT&T will team up to bring back the ever-popular Circlevision-360 extravaganza, "America the Beautiful," where Iraqi children will get an opportunity to discover just how much better, how much richer and how much more religiously superior Christian Americans are than they.

The museum will, of course, have genuine imitation plastic replicas of all the 5000-year-old artifacts stolen, smashed or looted from the Iraq National Museum and Library in April, 2003. Where possible, wealthy collectors around the world will loan the museum originals bought on the black market so that accurate molds can be made.

Unfortunately, the zoo will not likely open before 2018, because most of the animals in old zoo died during the invasion, or were stolen by looters for food, or because U.S. Marines shot escaping animals.

It'll be just like Disneyland... only better (especially on the days when there's electricity, and the sewage in the streets isn't too deep).

Ain't free-market capitalism grand?


  • Your blog is dumb, like your comments over at Atrios.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 10:26 PM  

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